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eastbound inbox.
inbox for the mirror pendant of 'Average Sighren'.
“Please leave your message and I will attend it as soon as possible.”
I let them out because I wanted my revenge.
( Maybe it would be different if he had only honest intentions, but Wen Kexing had been aware of the violence in the Valley and had hoped to use it. He cannot be absolved. )
My parents died because of greed, the Ghost Valley only dealt the final blow. I wanted all those righteous, upstanding sects to be afraid, I wanted them to look at the monsters they'd hidden and know they were still there in the shadows. Those men that prospered while my father was broken, and my mother slain, I wanted to wash the world in their blood. I still do.
( Then, with a crack in his voice. ) And I hate it. Because now I want to be human, I want it so badly that I think it might kill me, some days. I don't know how to be. I've only ever been good for pain.
( Maybe it would be different if he had only honest intentions, but Wen Kexing had been aware of the violence in the Valley and had hoped to use it. He cannot be absolved. )
My parents died because of greed, the Ghost Valley only dealt the final blow. I wanted all those righteous, upstanding sects to be afraid, I wanted them to look at the monsters they'd hidden and know they were still there in the shadows. Those men that prospered while my father was broken, and my mother slain, I wanted to wash the world in their blood. I still do.
( Then, with a crack in his voice. ) And I hate it. Because now I want to be human, I want it so badly that I think it might kill me, some days. I don't know how to be. I've only ever been good for pain.
I am sorry for the suffering of your family. Truly, I am.
[ Remaining upright where he sits, his voice nevertheless softens. ]
Who would not seek revenge in your shoes, if it was within reach? How many people are that strong? [ Unable not to be touching him, he lays a hand over Wen Kexing's as he speaks in earnest, dark blue eyes intent on holding that dejected gaze. ] Not knowing the Ghost Valley master does not detract from my trust in Wen Kexing, I am not scared to awaken some demon inside you or to face your wrath. Is my friendship worth less because you have not burdened me with some great injustice to overcome? Must you hurt me too before you listen to me?
[ Remaining upright where he sits, his voice nevertheless softens. ]
Who would not seek revenge in your shoes, if it was within reach? How many people are that strong? [ Unable not to be touching him, he lays a hand over Wen Kexing's as he speaks in earnest, dark blue eyes intent on holding that dejected gaze. ] Not knowing the Ghost Valley master does not detract from my trust in Wen Kexing, I am not scared to awaken some demon inside you or to face your wrath. Is my friendship worth less because you have not burdened me with some great injustice to overcome? Must you hurt me too before you listen to me?
( Wen Kexing pulls himself from Lan Xichen's grip, covers his face with both of his hands, fingers clenched. He doesn't claw at the skin, doesn't dig his grip in, no matter what the maelstrom in his veins would like. Instead he just breathes behind the cage of them, ragged and uneven. )
You wouldn't. You turn all your hurt inward.
( He makes a miserable noise, a choke of sound, palm flattening so he can scrub at his eyes. )
You shouldn't want to be around me. I'm telling you that I'm the villain in my story and you still sit there trying to make me feel better. Surely that should show you I'm not as kind as you.
You wouldn't. You turn all your hurt inward.
( He makes a miserable noise, a choke of sound, palm flattening so he can scrub at his eyes. )
You shouldn't want to be around me. I'm telling you that I'm the villain in my story and you still sit there trying to make me feel better. Surely that should show you I'm not as kind as you.
I do not turn all my hurt inward! Am I such a fool as that?
[ It's galling to be seen that way, sparking a kernel of anger he didn't expect to feel today. Is he a sweet creature so easily led? He hates that view of himself more than anything, annoyed that Wen Kexing thinks he's too simple to recognise what evil really is. ]
I loved a-Yao for nearly half my life. I do not love you the same way! You did not seduce me with your sweet humours, Wen Kexing, I have been on high alert since my heart was broken and the silence of a mountain was my retreat from all the liars in the world. That sanctuary was abruptly taken away but not the people who could lie. I chose you as a friend, well aware that I could see the eaves of crimes around you! You may as well have been stood atop that mountain peak; no one else has been scrutinised as hard by me in my terror of inviting in another monster.
[ His voice is soft but clipped with frustration. ]
I am ignorant of nothing when it comes to you! What kind of friend would I be if I were? How condescending I find your opinion of me. If I were Zhou Zishu, you would surely listen then! I can certainly say that much in confidence.
[ It's galling to be seen that way, sparking a kernel of anger he didn't expect to feel today. Is he a sweet creature so easily led? He hates that view of himself more than anything, annoyed that Wen Kexing thinks he's too simple to recognise what evil really is. ]
I loved a-Yao for nearly half my life. I do not love you the same way! You did not seduce me with your sweet humours, Wen Kexing, I have been on high alert since my heart was broken and the silence of a mountain was my retreat from all the liars in the world. That sanctuary was abruptly taken away but not the people who could lie. I chose you as a friend, well aware that I could see the eaves of crimes around you! You may as well have been stood atop that mountain peak; no one else has been scrutinised as hard by me in my terror of inviting in another monster.
[ His voice is soft but clipped with frustration. ]
I am ignorant of nothing when it comes to you! What kind of friend would I be if I were? How condescending I find your opinion of me. If I were Zhou Zishu, you would surely listen then! I can certainly say that much in confidence.
No, I do not mean you are a fool. That's not what I -. ( He cuts himself off, shudders through a breath, shaking his head. ) - See, I've hurt you now.
( He wants to drink, he wants to sleep, he wants to go back to a time where the Ghost Valley loomed less, softened by time and distance. He finds himself suddenly terrified that Lan Xichen will listen to him and react accordingly. )
I meant that you are not like me, Huan-er. You blame yourself, and I blame the world. I don't think you're a fool. It would be easier if I thought you were, or I had been trying to pull the wool over your eyes. But I've never looked at you and taken you for an easy mark, that's not what I meant. It's just you're good, and I'm --.
( He is everything he hates. )
I think I'm so clever. That I can take the most shrewd of people and have them believe me harmless. Ah-Xu doesn't even know who I am!
( He wants to drink, he wants to sleep, he wants to go back to a time where the Ghost Valley loomed less, softened by time and distance. He finds himself suddenly terrified that Lan Xichen will listen to him and react accordingly. )
I meant that you are not like me, Huan-er. You blame yourself, and I blame the world. I don't think you're a fool. It would be easier if I thought you were, or I had been trying to pull the wool over your eyes. But I've never looked at you and taken you for an easy mark, that's not what I meant. It's just you're good, and I'm --.
( He is everything he hates. )
I think I'm so clever. That I can take the most shrewd of people and have them believe me harmless. Ah-Xu doesn't even know who I am!
How am I good? You have no idea how many orphans I have likely made in the name of winning a war. I was the darling of the Sunshot Campaign, I could not be stopped! What is "good"? A flawless soul? A generous one who makes excuses for others? I am neither.
[ Sighing, he shakes his head. ]
Has it ever occurred to you that Zhou Zishu knows you're hardly as carefree as you like to pretend and he simply sees the good in you anyway? Is that so hard to believe? I have never met the man and I feel like you sell his insight short.
[ Sighing, he shakes his head. ]
Has it ever occurred to you that Zhou Zishu knows you're hardly as carefree as you like to pretend and he simply sees the good in you anyway? Is that so hard to believe? I have never met the man and I feel like you sell his insight short.
It --.
( It's different, isn't it?
Except it is not. Lan Xichen might have his own version of Zhen Yan somewhere, the same way Wen Kexing has Chengling. It's just that tries to think about calling the man before him evil and it makes something claw at his throat. There has to be a difference, he cannot be absolved.
And so he laughs instead, exhausted, desperate. )
I'm a very good actor, are you telling me I'm not?
( It's different, isn't it?
Except it is not. Lan Xichen might have his own version of Zhen Yan somewhere, the same way Wen Kexing has Chengling. It's just that tries to think about calling the man before him evil and it makes something claw at his throat. There has to be a difference, he cannot be absolved.
And so he laughs instead, exhausted, desperate. )
I'm a very good actor, are you telling me I'm not?
You're not that good, a-Xing.
[ Shaking his head, he admits something he never intended to ever bring up yet it feels like Wen Kexing has sacrificed enough face today. The scale is uneven. ]
Mine must be truly refined, since you don't know how soft a bruise it is on my heart to be genuinely glad you already found your zhiji.
[ But that crush has since melted into real friendship. He only mentions it tiredly, with a snort, to try and give Wen Kexing a foothold out of his misery by dangling new information to latch onto. ]
[ Shaking his head, he admits something he never intended to ever bring up yet it feels like Wen Kexing has sacrificed enough face today. The scale is uneven. ]
Mine must be truly refined, since you don't know how soft a bruise it is on my heart to be genuinely glad you already found your zhiji.
[ But that crush has since melted into real friendship. He only mentions it tiredly, with a snort, to try and give Wen Kexing a foothold out of his misery by dangling new information to latch onto. ]
( He looks up, startled, blinking away unshed tears. It's so unexpected that it shocks a little bit of life back into them. Here he is, telling Lan Xichen that he is the nightmare of the Jianghu and then -. )
Hnngh.
( Stupid, he's so stupid. )
You -. ( He reaches out a hand to curl it in Lan Xichen's sleeve, shaking him a little. Hysteria bubbles up in the back of his throat again and he has to swallow it down. ) You're the first person I've wanted to be my friend without a reason before. I really --. ( He cares. It's all so stupid. Maybe in another life he might have tried to mould it into another shape, but in this one he's just so desperately glad. ) I really don't want to lose that.
Hnngh.
( Stupid, he's so stupid. )
You -. ( He reaches out a hand to curl it in Lan Xichen's sleeve, shaking him a little. Hysteria bubbles up in the back of his throat again and he has to swallow it down. ) You're the first person I've wanted to be my friend without a reason before. I really --. ( He cares. It's all so stupid. Maybe in another life he might have tried to mould it into another shape, but in this one he's just so desperately glad. ) I really don't want to lose that.
How many times will I tell you? You will never lose me.
[ He uses his other sleeve to wipe away some of the tears streaking Wen Kexing's cheeks. Looks like his truth nugget knocked Wen Kexing somewhere closer to normal, shaken and upset though he remains. ]
No old Ghost Valley master will find you again. He's dead and gone, his shade will fall before Shuoyue if it tries: I promise.
[ Face somewhat dry on Wen Kexing, Xichen starts smoothing down fluffy, flustered hair, more to let him feel a caring human touch than neaten up any mess. ]
Look at this robe. All red? I was right that pink suits you more. Won't you change to feel better?
[ He uses his other sleeve to wipe away some of the tears streaking Wen Kexing's cheeks. Looks like his truth nugget knocked Wen Kexing somewhere closer to normal, shaken and upset though he remains. ]
No old Ghost Valley master will find you again. He's dead and gone, his shade will fall before Shuoyue if it tries: I promise.
[ Face somewhat dry on Wen Kexing, Xichen starts smoothing down fluffy, flustered hair, more to let him feel a caring human touch than neaten up any mess. ]
Look at this robe. All red? I was right that pink suits you more. Won't you change to feel better?
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