lanclan | eastbound inbox.

I am coming to you then.

Ah, Huan-ge, don't. It's not pretty. Pretend I didn't bother you.

A-Xing is many things, easily ignored isn't one of them. I'll be with you soon, try not to drink too much.

( He briefly considers throwing himself out of the window, but it is instead with herculean effort that he gets to his feet to at least get his room looking less like he has lain his own corpse down to die. Empty wine bottles are hidden away though he keeps a half full one in his lose grip at all times, drinking from it sporadically. It isn't messy, but it's ... gloomy. The bed unmade, robes thrown aside, books scattered where he'd knocked into them earlier, the window covered by dark fabric to block out the light.

He paces clumsily, device in hand, wondering if he should find a way to dissuade the other man. )

I really will be fine.

( It's no good, he's not sure he will be either. )

[ Too bad, bitch, he's using qinggong across the rooftops! He drops to the ground in time to enter and makes his way up to Wen Kexing's room like a blue cloud billowing around every corner, tall and silver in his guan with a sword in one hand and his flute hanging off a belt: no one stops him.

At the door, he knocks and enters without waiting for a response, too anxious to do more than give a warning. ]

A-Xing?

[ It certainly smells like there's been more than one bottle of wine in this room, the potent whiff of alcohol makes him blink a few times in the dim lighting. Spotting him, he closes the door behind and heads in. ]

A-Xing, what's wrong? Why were you asking me about a ghost?

( He freezes a little, clumsy where he's stood in the centre of the room. It's dark, but that does nothing to hide that he's wavering a little on his feet, nor does it ease the shadows under his eyes. This is not the meticulous Wen Kexing he likes to show the world, nor the exuberant, affable drunk he usually allows Lan Xichen to see. This is the hollow boned version, and he is so tired of it. )

I --.

( He cuts himself off almost violently, the wine sloshing in its bottle when he lifts it. )

He really didn't say anything. ( More to himself than Lan Xichen, swallowing a mouthful of bitter alcohol before he shakes himself. ) I saw something. It doesn't matter. I just need to know it won't come back.

[ His friend, the mess he always suspected him to be. He places his sword on a table, a touch sliding around Wen Kexing's wrist to ground him as Xichen veers into his line of sight. ]

Gossip is forbidden in Cloud Recesses. [ Wangji said nothing. Xichen's concern is tinged with a wry smile that fades quickly. ] What did you see?

( Lan Wangji had done the same thing, holding Wen Kexing by the wrist as he had shaken with anger. He wants to find it funny that Lan Xichen does the same, but it just makes him feel sad that either of them had to. He blinks, his eyes damp, clearly struggling with himself on what to say. )

The Valley Master.

( Without context it sounds so easy, so innocent. But it is torn out of Wen Kexing all the same, something blood-soaked and violent. His words are a faraway murmur, as though the spectre has thrust some part of him back into the past. )

He killed my parents. He raised me. Which is worse, do you think? The thing he took from me, or the thing he made me to be?

[ Xichen abruptly makes a point of sealing the room with a gesture; his soft blue qi fans out over every object until it hits the walls and mutes the world outside, creating a stable barrier around the whole room. ]

He can't reach you, not with me here. [ Horrible ghost to encounter on a normal day, let alone to be raised by (ahh, pieces start to fall together). He takes Wen Kexing's wrist again to guide him over to the bed, worried he will topple over. ] You are no such monster as he.

Edited 2023-10-17 17:40 (UTC)

But I am.

( A terrible, cruel monster who lets himself be led to the bed, sitting on it's edge like a puppet with it's strings cut. )

I am everything he made me, Huan-er, I'm the thing he tried so hard to create. ( He lifts a hand, scrubbing at his eye socket with the heel, the wine bottle in the other dangled loosely in his grip. ) I'm not a good person, I'm not even a real person, I have never been human not since he took me. Maybe not even before then.

You are good.

[ That bottle is going to be subtly scooped aside and set on the floor. Xichen takes him by a hand in his lap and rubs Wen Kexing on the arm as if to sober him up that way. ]

It doesn't matter if you are human or not, you are not a monster. Do you think I would be your friend if you truly were? I would have known long before now.

No, I'm not.

( He laughs, and it's hollow, ringing in the room. Something ugly creeps into his voice, face twisted in loathing. The hand in Lan Xichen's lap curls like his fingers would be claws if he knew how. )

I killed him, the Valley Master, I killed him. ( And then, a burst dam. ) I tore the flesh from his bones, inch by inch. I kept him alive for most of it, because I wanted him to hurt. He always told me I liked pain, and so I proved that I did by inflicting it on him. I threw his flesh to the monsters he made and had his skeleton left at the walls as a reminder.

( Desperate, and a little mad, and oh so sad in a way that seems to dwarf him. )

They call me Lunatic Wen for a reason. There's something wrong in me.

[ He listens and feels the claws of those words more keenly than the nails digging into his hand. Unable to imagine the suffering Wen Kexing endured, raised by a lunatic who in turn demanded the same behaviour from a boy, then a young man, Xichen grieves for the pain his friend caused but not the man it was inflicted upon. He takes Wen Kexing's chin between a stern finger and thumb to turn it so he meets his eyes. Patient and thoughtful, not absolving but neither condemning; neither the sun or the moon, just a cloud with shades of all kinds of greys inside it. ]

I was fooled for a decade once before, there is no chance of my having made the same mistake. I am trusting but not a fool, Wen Kexing. If you were evil, I would know it.

[ His hand falls to Wen Kexing's front, curling in his robes. ]

You are not him.

Edited 2023-10-17 18:40 (UTC)

I'm the Ghost Valley Master now.

( It's a little like pulling a sword from his stomach, the fear gushing out like blood. )

I'm the thing that people are scared of, I'm the story you tell silly little disciples in the dead of night. Grow big, get strong, or the Ghost Valley Master will spirit you away in the dead of the night. The Jianghu made the Valley to keep the worst of the worst inside, Huan-er, and I'm the one holding the keys. Chengling doesn't have parents, doesn't have brothers, because I was so blinded by the need for my vengeance that I let them all out. I didn't care. I wanted --.

I wanted people to suffer.

( Miserably. )

I made him an orphan because someone did the same to me. I might not have been the one holding the blade but I knew, I knew what I was unleashing. I am mad, they're right, I can't pretend otherwise.

You have been hiding this since we met, afraid to tell me.

[ He sits back, hands in his lap as he regards him steadily. ]

Am I to gasp and look upon you with horror, learning you caged monsters and now regret your unhappiness leading to their freedom? That is what this sounds like.

I let them out because I wanted my revenge.

( Maybe it would be different if he had only honest intentions, but Wen Kexing had been aware of the violence in the Valley and had hoped to use it. He cannot be absolved. )

My parents died because of greed, the Ghost Valley only dealt the final blow. I wanted all those righteous, upstanding sects to be afraid, I wanted them to look at the monsters they'd hidden and know they were still there in the shadows. Those men that prospered while my father was broken, and my mother slain, I wanted to wash the world in their blood. I still do.

( Then, with a crack in his voice. ) And I hate it. Because now I want to be human, I want it so badly that I think it might kill me, some days. I don't know how to be. I've only ever been good for pain.

I am sorry for the suffering of your family. Truly, I am.

[ Remaining upright where he sits, his voice nevertheless softens. ]

Who would not seek revenge in your shoes, if it was within reach? How many people are that strong? [ Unable not to be touching him, he lays a hand over Wen Kexing's as he speaks in earnest, dark blue eyes intent on holding that dejected gaze. ] Not knowing the Ghost Valley master does not detract from my trust in Wen Kexing, I am not scared to awaken some demon inside you or to face your wrath. Is my friendship worth less because you have not burdened me with some great injustice to overcome? Must you hurt me too before you listen to me?

( Wen Kexing pulls himself from Lan Xichen's grip, covers his face with both of his hands, fingers clenched. He doesn't claw at the skin, doesn't dig his grip in, no matter what the maelstrom in his veins would like. Instead he just breathes behind the cage of them, ragged and uneven. )

You wouldn't. You turn all your hurt inward.

( He makes a miserable noise, a choke of sound, palm flattening so he can scrub at his eyes. )

You shouldn't want to be around me. I'm telling you that I'm the villain in my story and you still sit there trying to make me feel better. Surely that should show you I'm not as kind as you.

I do not turn all my hurt inward! Am I such a fool as that?

[ It's galling to be seen that way, sparking a kernel of anger he didn't expect to feel today. Is he a sweet creature so easily led? He hates that view of himself more than anything, annoyed that Wen Kexing thinks he's too simple to recognise what evil really is. ]

I loved a-Yao for nearly half my life. I do not love you the same way! You did not seduce me with your sweet humours, Wen Kexing, I have been on high alert since my heart was broken and the silence of a mountain was my retreat from all the liars in the world. That sanctuary was abruptly taken away but not the people who could lie. I chose you as a friend, well aware that I could see the eaves of crimes around you! You may as well have been stood atop that mountain peak; no one else has been scrutinised as hard by me in my terror of inviting in another monster.

[ His voice is soft but clipped with frustration. ]

I am ignorant of nothing when it comes to you! What kind of friend would I be if I were? How condescending I find your opinion of me. If I were Zhou Zishu, you would surely listen then! I can certainly say that much in confidence.

No, I do not mean you are a fool. That's not what I -. ( He cuts himself off, shudders through a breath, shaking his head. ) - See, I've hurt you now.

( He wants to drink, he wants to sleep, he wants to go back to a time where the Ghost Valley loomed less, softened by time and distance. He finds himself suddenly terrified that Lan Xichen will listen to him and react accordingly. )

I meant that you are not like me, Huan-er. You blame yourself, and I blame the world. I don't think you're a fool. It would be easier if I thought you were, or I had been trying to pull the wool over your eyes. But I've never looked at you and taken you for an easy mark, that's not what I meant. It's just you're good, and I'm --.

( He is everything he hates. )

I think I'm so clever. That I can take the most shrewd of people and have them believe me harmless. Ah-Xu doesn't even know who I am!

How am I good? You have no idea how many orphans I have likely made in the name of winning a war. I was the darling of the Sunshot Campaign, I could not be stopped! What is "good"? A flawless soul? A generous one who makes excuses for others? I am neither.

[ Sighing, he shakes his head. ]

Has it ever occurred to you that Zhou Zishu knows you're hardly as carefree as you like to pretend and he simply sees the good in you anyway? Is that so hard to believe? I have never met the man and I feel like you sell his insight short.

It --.

( It's different, isn't it?

Except it is not. Lan Xichen might have his own version of Zhen Yan somewhere, the same way Wen Kexing has Chengling. It's just that tries to think about calling the man before him evil and it makes something claw at his throat. There has to be a difference, he cannot be absolved.

And so he laughs instead, exhausted, desperate. )

I'm a very good actor, are you telling me I'm not?

You're not that good, a-Xing.

[ Shaking his head, he admits something he never intended to ever bring up yet it feels like Wen Kexing has sacrificed enough face today. The scale is uneven. ]

Mine must be truly refined, since you don't know how soft a bruise it is on my heart to be genuinely glad you already found your zhiji.

[ But that crush has since melted into real friendship. He only mentions it tiredly, with a snort, to try and give Wen Kexing a foothold out of his misery by dangling new information to latch onto. ]

( He looks up, startled, blinking away unshed tears. It's so unexpected that it shocks a little bit of life back into them. Here he is, telling Lan Xichen that he is the nightmare of the Jianghu and then -. )

Hnngh.

( Stupid, he's so stupid. )

You -. ( He reaches out a hand to curl it in Lan Xichen's sleeve, shaking him a little. Hysteria bubbles up in the back of his throat again and he has to swallow it down. ) You're the first person I've wanted to be my friend without a reason before. I really --. ( He cares. It's all so stupid. Maybe in another life he might have tried to mould it into another shape, but in this one he's just so desperately glad. ) I really don't want to lose that.

How many times will I tell you? You will never lose me.

[ He uses his other sleeve to wipe away some of the tears streaking Wen Kexing's cheeks. Looks like his truth nugget knocked Wen Kexing somewhere closer to normal, shaken and upset though he remains. ]

No old Ghost Valley master will find you again. He's dead and gone, his shade will fall before Shuoyue if it tries: I promise.

[ Face somewhat dry on Wen Kexing, Xichen starts smoothing down fluffy, flustered hair, more to let him feel a caring human touch than neaten up any mess. ]

Look at this robe. All red? I was right that pink suits you more. Won't you change to feel better?

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